« Food & Drinks

Not All (chicken) Breasts Are Created Equal

by Mike DuBord

As most of you already know, I do 100% of the cooking in my house. So, as the primary in-house "Chef" I also get stuck with most of the grocery shopping. And LIKE MOST MEN, I use to think that I was somehow getting ripped off, having to take on two of the biggest chores AFTER working all day. But then my wife, LIKE MOST WOMEN, politely reminded me that washing the floors, making sure the bills are payed on time, bathing the dog, vacuuming, getting the kid's homework done not to mention Dr appointments, scouts, cleaning windows AND...WASHING MY DIRTY UNDERWEAR... That's pretty much where the conversation came to a screeching halt, with me walking away with my tail between my legs because LIKE MOST MEN, we have to learn things the hard way. Quite frankly, the thought of washing my own dirty underwear... keeps me skipping through the grocery aisle, twirling a loaf of bread like a cheerleader's baton. (In a very manly way of course)

One of the most important things I had to learn right from the get-go, is that grocery shopping, is a science. Between in-store coupons and on-line coupons, fresh produce or canned corn, you REALLY have to know what you're doing. That's when I learned the ugly truth... about breasts! Chicken breasts that is. 

It's true, not all breasts are created equal. My local grocery store had a big sale on boneless skinless chicken breasts, a staple in my culinary calendar's weeknight dinner menu. The sign read $1.78 a pound! I couldn't believe it. The sign also said that there was a "Four package Per Customer Limit". Now they wouldn't write that if it wasn't thee most incredible deal on the planet right? RIGHT???

So, I did what any naive, inexperienced but VERY excited shopper would do. I grabbed those chicken breasts and darted to the check out like it was Black Friday, bumping into old ladies and really not caring for their safety, knowing with absolute certainty, that I would be victorious in my quest to become the President of The Smart Shopper's Club! That lady who washes my dirty underwear at home will be so proud...AND ENVIOUS!  Then, I raced home and put together what looked like the finest Chicken Marsala dish EVER created by man...or woman for that matter. The end result? Are you ready for this??? A Hard, dried out, tasteless excuse for meat, that reminded me of something I was forced to shovel down my throat by the Nuns in Catholic school! I couldn't believe it. I was devastated. My dream of hosting my own cooking show on The Food Network suddenly came to an end that day. 

Long story short. If you see a sign in the Meat Department that reads "Four packages per customer limit". Run like hell to the Detergent Aisle, buy the most expensive brand you can find, wrap it as a gift, give it to that lady who washes your dirty underwear AND...Take the family out to a restaurant that serves the finest Chicken Marsala EVER created by man...or woman!

Yes, we men have to learn the hard way but eventually...WE LEARN!