“We want only the most nutritional option for Santa,” Congresswoman Virginia Foxx (R-N.C.) argued on the floor of the House of Representatives, this past week. “Whole milk is the unsung hero of his Christmas journey.”
Foxx went on to say that Santa Claus likes to drink whole milk so that he can “travel the whole globe in one night.”
Those statements alone would have been interesting to hear from an 80-year-old congresswoman speaking to the U.S. House of Representatives about Santa Claus’ dislike of skim milk, but she went on. “Protein helps build and repair Santa’s muscles. Hoisting heavy sacks of gifts up and down the chimney is no easy task.”
Point made? Not quite. Foxx, feeling the need to add more, persisted, “You see, it’s not just the magic of the season that helps Santa deliver presents worldwide. It’s also the fortifying nutrients of whole milk.” Foxx continued, “Reflecting on Christmas traditions this year begs the question, ‘If whole milk is a good option to fuel Santa’s extraordinary Christmas Eve journey, then why isn’t it an option for American schoolchildren in their lunchrooms?’”
Personally, I must admit here that I have left Santa skim milk in the past, thinking the cookies would provide enough calories that he, and the reindeer, might welcome that option. Maybe that is why my stocking has seemed a little light.
Speaking of light, priority-setting in the House, leading up to their Christmas break, seems to be a little lacking, as well. With needed legislation to avert another pending government shutdown, with funding on hold for support of the wars in Ukraine and Israel, with border issues that have remained unsolved for decades in our own country, the schedule appear a bit out of synch.
People are dying and these folks are talking “milk,” yet Foxx and her colleagues felt that the last few workdays before breaking for the holidays (on December 14) would be well-spent initiating an impeachment inquiry along purely partisan lines. Even Republicans are hard-pressed to explain that logic — Rep. Ralph Norman (R-SC): “The evidence, I think, as things come out, will finally show what the trail is, and the fact that there are consequences. You cannot just say you are innocent and not have to prove it. So I fully support this inquiry.” Really, Ralph? Isn’t that exactly the way U.S. law works – innocent until proven guilty? I think I saw that on “Law & Order.”
With the impeachment inquiry started, they now can move on to whole-milk legislation.
Rep. Bobby Scott (D-Va.), voiced opposition to the milk bill, and noted that virtually every major public health organization agrees that low-fat milk options are healthier options for children, and that The American Heart Association, the American Public Health Association, and the American Academy of Pediatrics are among the groups opposing this bill.
Undeterred, Foxx hit back. “I’d just like to tell my colleague something that I think will be easy to remember about why we’re doing this,” rebutted Foxx. “Scientists/experts designed the Titanic, amateurs designed… uh, designed… scientists, experts built the Titanic, and amateurs built the Arc.”
Case closed! Who can argue with that?
In case all that didn’t sway everyone, we can always count on at least one conspiracy theory to carry the day — Rep. Cory Mills (R-Fla.) warned that Chinese Communists may be “infiltrating school lunches.” He even provided a poster of a milk carton featuring a picture of Chinese President Xi in front of the Chinese flag.
This is about “safeguarding our national security,” said Mills, offering an amendment to the bill to bar Chinese Communist Party entities from putting their milk into public schools. Wow!!!
Rep. Tom Tiffany (R-Wis.) gave a passionate defense of chocolate milk, and then refuted the so-called science, “Those experts that told us that butter is not good for us. Remember that?” Well all of a sudden, they’re changing their tune on that.” But, are they really, Tom?
He wasn’t done yet either, adding that he will never forget the day that he was at a local gas station and a school lunch director came up to him and asked him to “tell the federal government to get out of our school lunch program.” In fact he embellished that, “I had multiple school lunch directors across northern Wisconsin, in my district, say, ‘Federal government, stay out of our school lunch programs.’”
I can relate – once at a gas station, someone that I did not know approached me to say I should not write whimsically about Congressional milk votes. They were probably right.
The House passed the bill, 330 to 99, and went on Christmas break. I am udderly amazed because I was almost in tears, thinking that this milk vote could have spilled over into the new year. Get it?
Curt MacRae, lives in Coldwater, MI, and publishes rants on rant-able topics at this site.
All published posts are tweeted (@curtmacrae) — comments to rantsbymac@gmail.com
